2002-05-18/ oh, bloody hell.
but i am still frightened by him.
as i am frightened by every male personage i ever meet. i might grow to be less frightened if i get to know him better (and i. don't know about that yet.) but. i don't know. again.
i've just come to the realization that i am afraid of men. i always have been.(and if you've read this journal for long, you know why. feh.) and i don't know if i'll ever be able to have any kind of relationship. i spent all evening trying to frighten him away(hee).
what the hell am i going to do? i don't want to hurt this guy's feelings, but i don't especially think i should dump him, but! i'm so very extremely afraid.
and god. my mother, of course, asked me if i was still taking my birth control pills, and at this i imploded; holding my head together with both hands i told her, "look, my situation..." and she, laughing, said, "i know your situation."
but i don't think she does. whenever she starts to talk to me about sex, or sex somehow enters my conversation with anyone, i begin to shake, my throat closes up, and i start weeping. i can't talk about it, i can't deal with it, i'll die a spinster. yay.
12:31 a.m. E
kat*~
2002-05-15/ so. i like drawing hot girls.
8:31 p.m. E
kat*~
2002-05-15/ must've been something i ate...
10:53 a.m.
kat*~
2002-05-14/ KILL IT KILL IT
gawd. get me away from me. fah! go! shoo!
7:52 p.m.
kat*~
2002-05-14/ postcards. self-portraits. comic books. wooo.
and now for something completely different:
since everyone on the zim art board has drawn themselves in some form or other, i decided to too. i wish i was actually that cute and thin, but ah well. it's only a cartoon. yay.
the self-portraits i've done have always been ugly, and i've always concentrated on the ugly parts of myself... the rings under my eyes and the blonde roots of my hair showing, etc... but! i've decided that any further representations of myself that i make shall be... well, not ugly. because. i have enough negativity for other things in other areas of my life. why not draw myself pretty? wooooo (i'm a bit fixated on myself, aren't i? meh. this is my diary, though... isn't it? ISN'T IT?)
and, oh yeah. for those who don't know, <- that's tess. she's saying BASTARD in thoughts of her ex-boyfriend, who was just terribly killed by a big horrid monster made of the residue of humanity's ickyness, and stuff. y'know. the usual.
and i want to say bastard and give the evil eye too. so. wheee!
6:34 p.m. E
kat*~
2002-05-14/ (a)my,my,my
see some breathtaking sculpture for me, will you, dear?
12:52 p.m.
kat*~
2002-05-13/ yaaaaaaaaayy! braaaaaaains!
mum and i went gallavanting around saturday; i treated her to lunch at the chinese buffet(where they no longer play silly hyper japanese pop; i am saddened by this!) and some mary kay shit - a nice woman i have befriended at work invited us to a facial, and it was pretty fun - and then... we went to the 'mall' (a claire's, an on-cue, a shoe store, a dollar tree. that's it. feh.) we had a nice time. anyway.
we've found a car that would be perfect for us... mum's going to get a mechanic friend of hers from school to go check it out, and then, if it is still there, we will get it... yesyes. soon, i will be away from the male members of my nuclear family. soon i might be able to venture out of my room and such. ah.
melodrama.
oh yeah - check this out.
1:20 p.m. E
kat*~