7/05/03/ drunken punchup at a wedding

so i injected myself this morning, and when i took out the needle i bled. most of the time i do bleed a little, maybe a drop, but this time i bled and bled and bled... got blood all over my jammerpants... and now i have a lumpy bruise on my belly. HOORAY. i hate EVERYTHING. fuck.

i wish i had some friends. i guess i'm just not equipped for that sort of thing. i never call.. never e-mail.. at least i've got the ever-forgiving kim. she says she forgets too but. lala. she's got a busy job and an actual life. jafeskbgn.

i'm becoming more and more a complete recluse. take last night for instance - mum made me go outside and walk to the entrance of the apartment complex to watch the fireworks they were shooting off at the living history museum many blocks away.. and there were people standing out there. i didn't want to see people. i didn't want them to see me. i nearly went back inside except my mum made me feel guilty by mentioning that she was feeling depressed about being lonely. so i stood out there.. arms crossed tightly over my belly because i just KNEW everyone in the many cars passing by was staring at me.. standing and standing.. i nearly couldn't stand it(heh). when it was over i ran (yes, ran) back inside.. i just can't be around people. or be outside. or do anything at all.

i can't even be arsed to take care of myself. my blood sugar level has been insane for the past few weeks.. and now i have some sort of excema-like rash on my neck.. and my skin has gone completely to hell.. and i'm getting very fat.. fuck! fuckfuckfuck. i hate everything. i'll never accomplish anything and i'm going to die of something someday anyway, so why the hell does this have to drag on for so goddamned long?! FUCK.

3:32 p.m. E
kat*~