prev - next
now - past
profile
eljay
art

2001-11-12/ the dam broke.


i burst in a long, loud scream yesterday because my father started yelling at me again about syringes.
i ask, in a raised voice, to please not yell at me and argue with me about this because it was already difficult enough for me. so he continues to argue in a loud and angry voice. he can only push me so far before i start screaming and can't stop.
he was actually dumbfounded."there is no reason for you to scream at the top of your lungs!" he yells.
"i asked you not to yell at me!" i say, choking on tears.
"i'm not yelling at you!" he shouts. and continues to argue.
"yes, you are. and you keep on and on and on and on..." i hadn't started out being angry at him. i was now, though.
he goes into one of his fits, slamming things and cursing and shouting.
"stop, please! just STOP! if you'd just stop, i'll get over it! please! i'm just depressed about everything, i'm just a depressed teenager." i sob at him.
he storms out of the house, shouting curses and slamming the door with all his might. i put my head down and sob into my arms. my mother, who has been trying to mediate all of this, trying to make him see why i was so frustrated, comes in and sits down.
"i wish i could just die and then it would be over with. i'm sick of it all. you'd be better off without me."
"he went out saying those same things. he just cares about you-" she says.
"and he shows it by shouting and arguing."
"i know. that's just his way. he can't see that. i don't know..."
"it's just that this is so unfair. i have to take such good care of myself when i hate myself so much. it's just not fair."
"oh, kate. but why do you hate yourself?" my mother asks.
"i just do. i always have, i always will."
she goes on to assure me of what a wonderful person i am, and how everyone who has ever met me has thought i was a smart, wonderful girl and blablabla. all of that makes no difference to me.
my throat was sore the rest of the night.

oh nikkers. i would give you a long, comforting hug if the computer screen were a tunnel i could crawl through. why do we all of us have to have so much shit to deal with?

1:10 p.m. E
kat*~





provided by