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08/19/2020/ in which the person talks about their entire self.


oh wao diaryland. i love you so much.
guhhhhhh i realize that i have changed, matured, only a little from my annoying twenties. booh. i still speak nonsense, i still use capital letters as if i were yelling, but i... don't constantly quote things anymore. thank the gods. that shit got way boring and annoying.
also i don't constantly talk of killing myself or wanting myself to die anymore. hmm. on occasion, i will lament existence, but not so much. the cocktail of prescription drugs i am on and some good therapy and a psychiatrist have all helped me to mostly stabilize my moods and thinking. hooraaaaaayyyyyy.
plz don't go and read my facebook. it is filled with hatred for my stupid father (WHO I NO LONGER LIVE WITH YAY} and self-hatred. because i still hate myself, even if i don't quite want to die.
but! medical things. MEDICAL THINGS@$**)*@@)
since i last actively posted here, i have been put on an insulin pump, a continuous glucose monitor, and i have a big catheter/tube running out of the side of my fat belly, as i am now on peritoneal dialysis! (that means, i do my dialysis at home every night, rather than three days a week at the dialysis center. woo!) that means that i have three (3) doodads comin' out my fatbelly and they are not sexy. i also have a big bandage over the "exit site" of my catheter. sigh. so much medical crap that i never wanted to deal with.
it's just that i have never been able to control my blood sugars! one of my favourite stories to tell is this: once, i was in the ambulance, being taken to hospital, lying on the stretcher, freshly awakening from a near-coma-but-not-yet. i could barely see, though my eyes were open, and i could. not. move. not a muscle twitched! the EMT whose was looking after me, was right beside me, and another dude was driving (of course).
driver: what did you say her blood sugar was, again?
EMT beside me: 7.
thoughts that ran through my surprisingly clear mind: what? how am i awake to hear that? how am i ALIVE?
note: a normal, functioning human body's blood sugar runs from 70 to 140. i am normally around 250. (on a good day.) a lot of the time, like the past few days during the wee hours, my blood sugar runs well over 600. i can't determine what my blood sugar truly is, because my glucose monitor doesn't go past 600. i have had instances of my continuous glucose monitor sensor actually shorting out because my sugar stays too high for too long. buh.
but i try to be good... no, i AM good, and i don't overeat, i don't sneak candy, i don't drink sugary drinks... i am so good and my diet is so boring and bland and awful! and still, crazy sugars.
the low sugars are because of how i react to long-acting insulins. hence, the insulin pump.
since i actively posted here, i have had soooo many low blood sugar seizures, have injured myself severely because of these seizures, and have been in an actual, week-long coma and my parents have been told i would not make it through the night about 18 times. bah!

SO! my life is exciting, has been exciting, for quite some time, don't you think?! oh yes, my biddies! (do i even have any biddies reading this? oh i hope i do.)

anyhoo.
that's my incredible story from my incredulous self.

i really do miss journaling, it is SO fun to type. (i will journal from now on.)
___

OH WAIT
i haven't even talked about
how
since i last posted here actively,
i have become aware of my gender and body dysphoria. whew!
i knew from about the age of fifteen that something was wrong with me that i didn't already know about. when i was aroooound... 22, i started dressing as a man when the feeling hit me, and once, i even made my face up with big shaggy eyebrows, neutralized lips (not pink, in other words), and short short hair, and took a few bad quality pictures... so yeah i am non-binary/genderfluid, with an intense want to be a man. laugh out loud laugh out loud laugh out loud.
this has nothing to do with my sexuality! noooooo gender ain't got nothin' to do with what gender affiliation one prefers romantically. i am pansexual, i have discovered, and yes! i CAN love! i have fallen in love a few times, never to be requited, and have lusted after EVERYONE. so, pansexual. I LOVE PANS Y'ALLLL.

um, is that all for this entry?
what a great long entry, deng!
i like to talk and i rarely get to talk so have at ye.
ta!

3:44 p.m.
kat*~





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